art · Author · poetry · writing

Resource management.

On some days, our internet connection slows down, typically in the evenings. My family gets frustrated and starts getting angry at our service provider. I try to explain to them how bandwidth works in how we are at the end of the line. “Imagine a water pipe that is ‘this’ big around.” I make a circle with my hands about 4 inches around. “That’s how much internet we have access to. And, if no one else in our neighborhood is using it, we get it all. But now, imagine everyone in the neighborhood tapping into that pipe. The more people using it simultaneously, the amount we have access to at the end is ‘this much.'” I make a much smaller circle with my hands. This explanation, albeit a little clumsy, helps to illustrate why we have less bandwidth sometimes than others.

                It also is an excellent example of my creative resources. The bandwidth in my brain has been drained lately due to recent work-related stuff, and my concentration is dedicated almost solely to that. The trade-off is that there is no more room left for my creativity. The bandwidth has been used up. It has been a dog’s age since I wrote anything in Emergence, Ascended. And the last chapter I wrote, well, it’s crap.

After this work stuff is finished, I can get my head back into my stories again, that warm, happy place I live in, to forget all the Adulting

Author · writing

Living an Altruistic life. A journey of self-healing

Here is a little piece I wrote for a friends webs site. It never got used, so I thought I would share it here.


To begin the journey of finding peace in oneself starts with healing the wounds that scar our inner harmony. We must reconcile our selfish nature and let go of the egos that control us, our actions, and affect others around us. Release negativity and find solace in the simple act of being Altruistic.

There is a quote by Mother Teresa that had a profound effect on my life. “If you cant save the world, save just one person.” In retrospect, it seems obvious that we as a people see the enormity of the world’s problem and feel that it is too overwhelming to be of any help. But to save just one is to protect the whole because that simple act may have a butterfly effect that changes our world by order of magnitude larger.

There may be a correlation between Karmic beliefs and Altruism, but neither is synonymous with each other. Karma can be a tricky thing, and there is a lot of internalizing and conflicting emotions; if I help the old lady cross the street, am I doing this for the sake of being altruistic, or am I doing it to selfishly feel that “I did a good thing”.Is our motivation to be seen doing good? Or to acquire the accolades of service from those that help. It is a complicated game. To expect Karmic retribution, does that negate the Karmic effect? You have to look deep inside yourself to know those answers, but to feel good for being altruistic doesn’t negate the action. How you feel about it does not alter the end result, The old lady was safely led to her destination, and all is well. To enjoy the satisfaction is not Karmically damaging as long as your intentions are genuine.

Living our life with intention in our behaviors every day is a step to self-healing and inner harmony. To be intentional in our actions, doing good every day, for the sake of it. It has that butterfly effect around us. The pass it forward concept is a prime example of true Altruism. To spread the good intentions and Altruism of others and share in that with our fellow humanity and the world at large.

As the ego dies and one finds themselves to be less concerned about the self, Altruism becomes second nature, as we all are in the beginning selfless and in harmony with ourselves and nature. Our souls are pure and not jaded by the world around us; it is easy to be compassionate and considerate of others. Living an altruistic life is a healing that we can all accomplish and find harmony within ourselves. Those around us will emulate that intention, and the harmony we find in ourselves will be found in the world around us.

about me · Author · Emergence Collective · writing

Busy Wednesday

Here is a repost of T.A.Walker‘s AKA “the Bookie”, review of “Emergence Collective.” Seriously give it a listen.


Part 1 (click here to listen)

A fellow blogger T.A. Walker picked up “Emergence collective” and is currently reading it. She will present her synopsis and commentary about it on her audio blog (?) Podcast(?) I highly suggest you check out her blog and see what else she has been reading https://tawalkerfreewriterlife.wordpress.com/

Part 2 (click here to listen)

A fellow blogger T.A. Walker picked up “Emergence collective” and is currently reading it. She will present her synopsis and commentary about it on her audio blog (?) Podcast(?) I highly suggest you check out her blog and see what else she has been reading https://tawalkerfreewriterlife.wordpress.com/

Finale! (click here to listen)

A fellow blogger T.A. Walker picked up “Emergence collective” and is currently reading it. She will present her synopsis and commentary about it on her audio blog (?) Podcast(?) I highly suggest you check out her blog and see what else she has been reading https://tawalkerfreewriterlife.wordpress.com/

about me · Author · writing

It’s rocket science, actually

Dogecoin to the moon!

Don’t believe what they say, Rocket science is easy, it’s rocket math that is hard! My posts this week are gonna be short. I am preoccupied with work stuff. National Aerospace, and defense accreditation program audit for me all week. Feel free to scroll through my previous posts, you might find one you missed or one that you can connect with, I hope you do!

Horror · Uncategorized · writing

Happy Monday

Back at it for us working-class people, the weekend is done now back to the grind. I hope Everyone enjoyed the story “Alone.” Let me know what you thought in the comments section!

Here is an idea I am workshopping. Its quick one, sort of flash fiction.. Have fun!


Phantom Black

The beam of light pierced the veil. Like an ugly knife wound tearing a rough, misshapen hole in the darkness. The light touched a tentacle of the creature, a warm tingle drawing its attention. Confused and curious, it extended its tentacles, reaching, feeling the jagged edges of the opening. It wrapped its tentacles around it with more confusion about the nature of this new thing in its world, then examined the edges, feeling its solidity. Reaching in and gaining purchase on the inside surface, it began to pull itself through, marveling at the warm tingly, yet slight stinging sensation on its skin.

                The scientists fiddled with the device with excited banter, enthusiastic about their apparent success. The device looked like an over-engineered paint spray gun. One of the scientists adjusted a setting on the machine, causing a pleasant harmonic tone to emanate from it. The other scientist poured a black viscous liquid into a small vat attached to the instrument with tubes, hoses, and electrical connections. The first scientist starts speaking into a recorder, taking verbal notes with a shaky, excited voice. “four-thirty two hertz to four forty hertz seems to be the correct resonant frequencies to properly align the filaments. We have achieved approximately….” He looks up at the other scientist and nods his head slightly, prompting the missing information.

                “Ninety-nine point nine, nine percent.” The other scientist reads off of a computer monitor in a matter-of-fact tone.

                “Yes, right. Ninety-nine point nine, nine percent of photon absorption.” He continued, “We have found with the increased amplitude and voltage, the harmonic frequencies will correctly align the carbon nanotubes vertically; gave us an additional twenty percent efficiency.” He said, his voice still quivering with obvious exhilaration.

                Tentacles wavered through the opening, touching the air feeling the strange tingle of the light. As it pushed deeper into the new expanse, it could feel a vibration of sound emanating from inside this new space. It waved a tentacle sniffing the air, searching for the source of the vibrations. With so many new sensations, the creature grew eager and more curious. It pulled itself through the hole, sniffing and feeling.

                With their backs turned away from the black painted surface, the scientists quickly prepared their device for the new round of testing; the creature probed a tentacle towards them. The probing tentacle extended toward the sound vibrations and detected a unique sensation that triggered a biological response; Hunger.

Horror · writing

Alone part 4 of 4

The familiar smell of cotton candy and popcorn filled his nose. He stood in the shadows between the sideshow tents, watching the crowds ebb and flow through curtained doors, laughing in nervous excitement at the oddities within.  The smooth handle of his mallet felt good in his hand. His pulse pounded through every vein in his body. He could feel the throb of his heart down to his fingertips. He stayed there, in the darkness, waiting for his chance, waiting for a new Luis to walk by. His patience waned more and more as his excitement grew. This ain’t workin!They never come close enough!  
 He walked around to a small alley that led to the sugar shacks. There was less foot traffic in the dark alley, but he could walk around in the open without drawing attention.  He started to pace up and down the alley when he saw two boys leave a concession, each holding a corn dog and cotton candy. One boy was about five years old, but the other looked like he was fourteen. Their hands were so full of food that they had a hard time managing the load and taking bites simultaneously.  There are two! How do I get them apart? Luis? How?  Then it came to him.   

Randolph started to run toward them, then tripped and fell hard on the hard ground. He let out a yelp of pain that was half acting and half true. He grabbed at his ankle then screamed again.  
” Ouch! I twisted my foot!” he cried, rolling around on the ground. The two boys ran to his aid, the older one reaching him first.  
  ”Hey! Are you all right?” he asked with genuine concern.  
 ”Oh! My ankle! I think I sprained it pretty bad.” Randolph rolled back and forth, hoping he was convincing. The little boy came bounding up, juggling his treats and almost dropping them once or twice. Randolph looked at the younger one. ”Hey, kid!” He winced. “My folks are at the funhouse mirrors. Go get em, will ya?” he pleaded, sounding deeply pained.  
 ”Uh, uh sure thing!” The little boy replied and then scampered off down the alley. Randolph watched him until he rounded a corner.  
 The older boy stood over Randolph holding his hand out, “Can ya stand up?”  
Randolph reached out his left hand and took hold. The boy pulled him to his feet. He caught sight of Randolph’s shriveled arm and yanked his hand away in disgust. That’s okay; he’ll get used to it.  
 Randolph looked at the boy, who was now looking very cautious. The boy stepped back, his eyes adjusting to the dark, started to see details of Randolph’s makeshift bandage. Randolph’s heart quickened as he gripped the mallet. The boy looked down at the mallet with a confused look. Randolph swung out. His hand moved fast, but he controlled it this time, taking care not to hit him too hard. The mallet connected with the side of his face. The confused look on his face twisted into pain, and then his knees crumpled. He started to scream out in pain as Randolph clocked him again, this time on the top of his skull. The boy wobbled but did not make any more noise.   

Randolph looked around to see if anyone saw them. Satisfied they were still alone, he reached down and pulled the boy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  The boy groaned, muffled by the awkward position. “Wha-why?” then went silent again. This trip was not as hard as the other time. It was much easier carrying the boy than dragging him, and Randolph was thankful.   See that, Luis! I told ya I’m no half-wit! I’ll show ya!  
The barn came into view, and that seemed to make the boy feel lighter all of a sudden. He could still feel his heart race at the excitement of it all. He almost giggled in delight at the sight of the barn. He slumped the boy down at the entrance then pulled him in. The small area was hard to move around in, now that there were three of them in there. He pulled at Alasdair. His stiff cold body proved much more difficult than he wanted, but he managed to get him out of the barn. He crawled back in, then propped the new boy where Alasdair was. He fumbled in the darkness, wishing he had thought to get a candle or lantern but found the small wooden box. Now we can be together… Now I don’t have to be alone!  
 Randolph unwrapped the burlap, the sticky dried blood pulled at his head and scalp, causing him to cringe.  He leaned back, putting his head next to the boy’s, reveling in the familiar sensation of closeness to another. He opened the wooden box. Silver glinted in the soft moonlight that filtered in through the cracks in the ceiling, the little metal points gleaming with purpose. He picked the largest needle from the box and then felt for the thread. Only short-end pieces, clipped from countless sewing projects, but nothing long enough for his task.  He pulled at the burlap, finding a strand and unraveling it from the weave. It took a few tries; in the dark, threading the large needle was difficult, and more so with his excited fingers shaking in anticipation. He lifted the needle to his head and thrust it in. He expected it would hurt, but he barely noticed the first stitch. The boy groaned when the needle pierced his scalp; the thick burlap fiber sounded like hemp rope sliding through canvas. Randolph kept the mallet at the ready in case the boy was roused. That’s okay… It will all be better very soon.   
 He pushed the needle in again, this one hurt a little, and he felt warm fluid drip down his head. The fluid had a putrid smell and did not feel as thick as blood.  It will be all better. It will heal up nicely, won’t it, Luis?  The dried scabs of blood that caked the burlap strand started to feel like razor blades slicing through his head as he did his work. His arm tired at the awkward position, but he kept at it. Almost done, Luis…Almost together again.  
  

End. 

Horror · writing

Alone part 3 of 4

His face felt hot and flushed with instant anger. His arm shot up, he heard a hollow sound and a distinct squishy crack before he had even realized that the wooden mallet was in his hand. Luis only made a gurgling moan before his legs gave out, pulling them both down in a heap.  Luis lay half on top of Randolph, pinning him in an awkward position. Hot sticky fluid trickled into Randolph’s eyes. “Oh no! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he blurted in instant regret. ”Luis?” he asked in an apologetic voice. “Are you okay?”    

No answer. He held his breath, listening for his brother to respond. Only stillness and silence from his brother.    

He wriggled under the dead weight, maneuvering his trapped arms free enough to leverage himself out and onto his back. Staring at the stars, he wiped the drying blood from his eyes. Pink bloodstained tears welled up in his eyes as the silence thundered in his ears. He’s not breathing.  His heart began to pound as that realization sunk in.    

“Luis?” He asked again in hopes that his mind was playing tricks on him. He’s not moving, not breathing. Oh no, Oh no! I killed my brother! He let out a sad moan and then began to sob. “Oh Luis, why did ya have to be such a meanie?” he whimpered between sobs and sniffles. His tears only washed more of the salty blood in his eyes, stinging them. He started to lift his head, but it was almost impossible without the assistance of his brother.   

Maybe he’s not dead. Maybe I could get help. Maybe he will be all right. That thought gave him strength. He slid his legs around enough to get his knees on the ground in a pitiful bowing position. He slid his arms under his brother and lifted with all his might. The gawky position his head was in removed any hope of leverage he may have had, and his shriveled left arm wasn’t strong enough to even budge. He rocked back and forth, trying to gain momentum.    

Just… a bit… more… He gave one last heave and then collapsed on his brother, pushing out what remaining air that was trapped in the lungs, making sick guttural gurgle. He lay on his brother catching his breath, neck aching from the awkward tilt.  

He sobbed quietly. His left arm pinched under the body started to cramp and burn as needle-like tingles danced on his fingertips. He rolled back onto his back, releasing the pressure on his arm, and stared back to the sky.  

Between breaths and an occasional sniffle, he felt a twinge deep in his belly. Like little butterflies fluttering around, growing in intensity as realization filtered to his mind, deeper and more meaningful. I killed my brother. The butterflies in his stomach sped up at the thought then turned to outright fear. He sniffled again, and his sobs became panicked.  

He renewed his resolve and rolled back up, leaning heavily on his brother. He dug in deep with his feet, trying to get better leverage. Shoving his arms deep underneath, he pushed hard, his feet sliding on the dry ground, rolling his brother enough to get his hands a little farther.  Leaning back, he managed to pull the body onto his knees. With all his strength, he lifted. His brother came off the ground far enough to give him hope. He grunted under the full weight and leaned back, centering his balance. “Almost… there!” He grunted, and then his arms gave out. He felt his brother slipping, the weight pulling his head down along with it, anchored to his brother’s. He gave in to gravity, half dropping, half falling over. He stumbled and collapsed back to the ground, digging his knee onto his wooden mallet, sending shockwaves of agony up his leg.    
 The helpless, trapped feeling fueled his panic and desperation.  He reached down, blindly feeling for the mallet, his only tool, his only means of escape. He lifted his arm high and swung down hard with concentrated effort. The mallet smashed onto his brother’s head with another wet-sounding hollow crunch. His eyes blurred as the shockwave reverberated the impact to his skull. He lifted the mallet again, slinging streams of blood into the air, then slammed it back down. With every swing, there was less crunch and more squish with each forceful collision. He pounded viscously, blood, bone chunks, and bits of brain flying in every direction. He pounded his brother’s face and skull into an unrecognizable mass of bloody gore.  Sounds like pudding. He chuckled at the thought and then started to sob again with a strange wash of confused emotions.  Brain pudding. He laughed again.  
 His head felt light as it pulled free from its lifelong companion. It made him feel dizzy, and he swayed back and forth, trying to stabilize the new sensation of unrestricted freedom.  His head throbbed from the separation. Not every swing was true , and he nicked his own head a few times. He heard a noise from behind him, a voice maybe, or voices. His head moved in jerky ungainly movements as he looked down at his brother. A new fear as the reality of what he had just done hit home. Murder.  
  The voices sounded louder. He pushed himself up using his mallet like a miniature cane, standing erect , and stumbled a few steps to the side. More dizziness took hold as his weaker left leg struggled to manage the new weight pressed on it. He gave one last jerky look at his brother and then took off toward the tree line. Half running, half stumbling in an uncoordinated gate, like a sailor who had been out to sea too long and was not used to solid ground. Flashes of white blinded his eyes with every jarring step he made, sending lightning bolts of pain through his throbbing and bleeding head.  He kept his awkward stumbling pace through the trees for what seemed to be hours. Tree branches whipping him in the face, and his fresh gaping head wound, driving stinging pain he had never before experienced.  
  The moonlight filtered through the trees as he came to a clearing. The soft silhouette of a barn, half-collapsed from neglect and dry rot, beckoned him. He did not know how far he had gone or how long he had been running, but his weakening legs and increasing dizziness told him that this place was as good as any. He needed to rest. He needed to sleep, and maybe he would wake up from his nightmare. The barn did not look safe. The entire front side was a mass of rotting broken timbers. He stumbled in the darkness around the barn, looking for any opening that did not have rusty nails and sharp shards of wood sticking out. He found an opening that looked like it must have been a hayloft, but this was on the ground. The barn had to have collapsed in on itself many years ago, leaving a small cave-like hole just big enough to crawl into.   

He collapsed onto rotting hay breathing hard, thankful to be off his feet.  He lay back in the darkness, putting his head against the wall. An intense pain reminded him of the damage to his head. He reached up to touch his wound, realizing he still clutched the bloody mallet in his hand, then tossed it away as if it was burning his hand.  His hand gingerly touched the edges of his wound, delicately feeling around trying to gauge his injury.  He felt the flaps of skin and pieces of sharp bone, wet with blood that still trickled down his neck. His heavy eyelids and sticky wet fingers told him that he needed to bandage his head and stop the bleeding or he would die.  He felt around, looking for anything that he could use as a bandage.  His fingers, sifting through rotting hay and other unidentifiable vegetation, touched on a coarse fabric. He lifted up, straining to see. Most of a rotted burlap potato sack.  
 He pulled at the fabric, ripping the decayed cloth easily into two long strips. He gently wrapped it around his head. He moaned and gritted his teeth as the scratchy and rough burlap touched the tender lesion. His eyes closed, vertigo and a dull throbbing in his head pushed him into unconsciousness.  
 Feverish dreams, strange and disjointed images flooded his mind. Tossing and turning, he woke in brief bouts of sweat-filled screams and confusion. He was disoriented, groggy memories of rotting hay, broken decayed timber backlit by bright sunlight, or dark shadows cast in silver moonlight.  
  Sharp piercing pangs of hunger pushed him back to lucidity. He opened one bleary eye, half squinting as the bright morning sun peeked through the slats in the timbers of the barn.  Another bolt of hunger shot through him, making him double over. “Luis!” He cried out, reaching over to touch his brother; then, another pain struck him as the memories came back to his sleepy mind. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he shuddered in sorrow and loss. Luis… he thought with a wave of sadness and guilt.  

Hunger prodded him to move. He lifted his head, surprised by its lightness, another aching reminder of solitude. He sat up, stiff, weak from fever and lack of food. How long? How many days have I been here?   
  He waited for the wave of dizziness to pass. He crawled out of his refuge and looked around. The hayfield was overgrown, long since abandoned, as many farms had been lost in this depression. The grumbling and ache in his stomach urged him to move on unsteady weak legs. His head throbbed at every footstep, but the constant reminder that he had not eaten for days kept his pace despite the pain. He followed a small stream, taking sips of cool water to fill his stomach with something, anything, until he found food.    

The scent of apple pie snared his nose, catching his attention and drawing him up a small embankment.  At the top of the bank, he could see a white farmhouse shrouded with the same kind of trees and shrubs that hugged the stream. Drool slipped from his dirty chin onto the bloodstained shirt in long dangling strings. Licking his lips, he pushed past the brush into the backyard of the house. Blinded by starvation, he ignored any consideration of knocking or announcing his presence and marched in. He followed his nose, the scent of the apple pie pulling him to the kitchen.  
 The pie sat near an open window overlooking the barnyard. Enthralled by hunger, he took the last few fast, hurried steps. In an instant the pie was in his hands, almost too hot to hold, almost. He scooped a huge handful with his crusty bloodstained hands and shoveled it into his mouth. Hot steaming apples burned his throat and tongue. A woman stepped around the corner with an armload of firewood for the kitchen stove. Her eyes traced a trail of dead leaves and dirty footprints into the kitchen.  Drying muck covered the work boots and up to the knees of his grungy coveralls. Dark brown stains worked their way up in increasing frequency along his back until the strange brownish-purple color was uniform.  
 ”Alasdair? What have you done and gotten yourself into?” She barked in frustration and impatience. Randolph stopped chewing. He turned his head with an odd downward tilt. His shoulders followed, and then his foot with a half step.  Her eyes widened, and she opened her mouth to scream. Randolph took one large step, dropping the last remnants of the pie to the floor with a resounding clatter of breaking glass. Lightning quick, his hand was on her throat with sticky pie filling and filth squishing through his fingers from his vise-like grip. Another step forward, and he pushed her straight down, slamming her head to the ground.   

Firewood flew from her arms in all directions, almost drowning out the sound of her cracking skull on the hardwood floor. Her hand felt frantic, finding a piece of firewood. She hefted it upward to fend off her attacker , but the weapon glanced off his shoulder with no effect.    

He squeezed harder; blasts of red-streaked the whites of her eyes, popping in bursts as the pressure forced the capillaries beyond capacity, leaving her with a blank crimson stare. A pool of blood welled from beneath her head, soaking into bits of pie crust and glass.  
 He let go and stood up , then watched the blood expanding on the ground. Luis! Look what I had to do now! If’n you were still here, it all woulda been different. She would have gone to the lawman! But I fixed it, see?   
 Glass crunched under his feet as he stepped back. He looked around the kitchen for the icebox. His stomach did not grumble painfully anymore, the pie took care of his immediate need, but he was still hungry. He spied a slab of salt pork, took a large bite, and stared out the kitchen window, chewing absent-mindedly. A boy about his age came out of the barn across the yard and driveway.  That’s Alasdair, I bet. He looks just like you, Luis.   

The boy carried a sack of feed and began slinging it this way and that amidst a gaggle of chickens, all trying to get the most feed first. He watched the boy finish the chore, wiping sweat from his brow. The boy looked over toward the house, then kicked a rock, and then started walking to it.  
 Randolph ducked down, just out of sight of the window. Did he see me?  He peeked over the sill. The boy was still walking, kicking rocks, and whistling. Randolph watched him as he was headed to the water pump, his heart aching at the resemblance. He took another bite of the salt pork, his right hand idly fidgeted, scratching his cheek, pulling up the strap of his coveralls, then sliding down to the loop on his hip, finding the mallet.  A pang of regret washed over him. He pulled the mallet out of the loop and looked at it, its polished handle from years of use. The worn, frayed, splintered edge on the head now had red-brown stains with strands of hair and small bits of flesh.   

I don’t have to be alone.  The idea worked its way in small, almost imperceptible steps, like wading into cold water, getting more comfortable the farther in it got. I could…  He gripped the mallet feeling its familiar weight.  
 Alasdair whistled his way to the pump. Wiped more sweat from his forehead and grabbed the handle. Randolph watched him as he almost danced around to the lever and pulled up a small wooden bucket, placing it under the spout. Randolph dropped the salt pork on the counter, turned, and charged, running to the barnyard door. Alasdair came into view again, his back to the door, pumping the handle with vigorous intent, water gushing into the bucket. He pulled the bucket up and poured it over his head. Randolph closed the distance with his awkward, uneven gate, bringing the mallet high over his head. The boy shook the water off his head, catching sight of Randolph. “What…?” He blurted, raising his arm in defense. It was too late. The mallet came down, but the full force of it was deflected by Alasdair’s arm and only brushed his head, ripping a long slash across his forehead just above his left eye. Alasdair stumbled back, wincing from the blow.   

Randolph brought the mallet back up for another strike just as Alasdair swung the bucket with a wide arc, hitting Randolph’s head with the full impact. Now it was Randolph’s turn to stumble back. He let out a loud cry as the pain collided with his previous injury. His eyes blurred for a moment, and he thought he would blackout.   

Alasdair did not wait for Randolph to gather himself. He charged, his fist reared back, and then shot forward with blinding speed. Randolph dodged the strike, feeling the wind of it glide past his nose. The missed attack sent Alasdair off balance. He stumbled forward, trying to regain his equilibrium.   

Randolph seized his opportunity; he grabbed the back of Alasdair’s coveralls and helped him along, guiding his head into the water pump. A muffled clank ended the bout. Alasdair crumpled on the ground, a wide gash on the top of his skull opened up like a blooming flower that welled up with thick dark blood.  
 Randolph’s head ached again. The fight left him hot, sweaty, and thirsty. He started pumping the handle until a steady flow of water surged from the spout. He held his head under the stream, the cool water soothing his head. He watched the water drain off his head, soaking the makeshift burlap bandage, turning different colors from clear to a murky yellow then to a rusty brown.  The cold water eased his throbbing head and cleared his mind. He looked down at Alasdair. He was bleeding, but Randolph could see his chest move in shallow breaths. He is gonna be okay. He’s still breathing, Luis! Just need a lil’ fixin up is all, and he be right as rain.  
 Randolph stepped over and grabbed the straps of Alasdair’s coveralls, and dragged him toward the house. He dropped Alasdair like heavy luggage when he reached the door of the house. He went in and rifled around the home, eventually coming out with a small wooden box with delicately painted flowers and the slab of salt pork.  
 The trek back to the barn seemed to take all day. Randolph’s powerful right arm tired more and more often, and he was forced to stop to rest every few yards.  The small entrance hole in the collapsed barn was tight, and it took more effort pulling the boy’s body through than he wanted. He propped Alasdair against the wall and pulled out the painted wooden box, then leaned his head back next to Alasdair.  
 He opened his eyes. It was getting dark, and he could barely see the outline of the small opening to his hovel. The wooden box lay on his lap unopened. Alasdair’s cold, breathless silence told him that he would not need it. He gritted his teeth, forcing back tears. I can’t be alone anymore, Luis! I just can’t!  He crawled out of the barn and headed off into the night.  

Continue to part 4

Horror · writing

Alone part 2 of 4

When I wrote this I explored the idea of what would it be like to always have someone with you, no matter what, no privacy at all, everything is shared. How could you call anything your own when “You” are essentually them.

Caution, graphic violence ahead. if you are squeamish you might want to pass on this one.


Luis could swing the eight-pound sledgehammer one-handed. His left arm bulged and rippled with muscle that was far more developed than it should be for a fifteen-year-old. His right arm, easily half as thick, seemed useless in comparison. The sledgehammer came down hard on the stake, driving it down a full foot. Randolph, with practiced movements, let go of the stake just in time. Another loud crack split the air as the sledgehammer pounded the stake another foot deeper. Most roustabouts took as many as ten, or even twenty hits to sink the tent stakes. But Luis and Randolph could get the job done in four or five.  
 ”She’s never gonna go for you, you know,” Luis’s poignant sarcasm dripped from his lips. “She aint gonna go for a half-wit anyhow. Even if she don’t care if I’m here. No one would go for you. Not now, not if you were normal, not ever!” He accentuated his point with a final blow of his sledgehammer 
 Randolph fidgeted with his wooden mallet before pulling out another three-foot-long tent stake. “You don’t know that! It’s not like she don’t see us every day, and I never see her with any other guy,” Randolph, wounded, defended his ego with a sad wispy voice. He set the stake with a few solid taps of his mallet, holding it in place with a shrunken left hand.  
 ”Yeah? Don’t you get it? She doesn’t even like me, so how’s that suppose to work for ya? Ha! You’re stuck with me. The only way you’re going to get any of that is if we take it!” He had a vicious smile as he punctuated every other word with long smooth strokes of his sledgehammer handle.  
  ”Why are you so mean to me?” Randolph sniffled in defeat.  
  Luis hefted the sledgehammer then slammed it down on the stake with a loud crack. “I’m not bein’ mean ya. I’m just sayin the truth to ya, cause you don’t know no better.” Two more loud cracks on the stake finished his words.  
 ”I do know. She’s so pretty, and she’s nice to me,” his little voice squeaked his thin defense.  

“Nah, you just don’t know nothin’ at all, do you ya shrivel? She’s only nice to you ’cause you’re just a little shriveled-up half-wit.” Luis puffed up his chest, emphasizing his dominance.  
 ”Don’t call me shrivel no more. You always just call me that.” Randolph’s little voice was sounding weaker.  
 ”Yeah? I’ll call ya shrivel whenever I want. Now get another stake. It’s getting dark, and we gotta git this done ‘fore we lose the light.” Luis hefted the sledgehammer, ready to sink another stake.  
 Randolph grabbed the stake, set it with a few pounds with his mallet, and then put it back in the loop of his coveralls. They worked quickly together. Each one was doing his job in practiced unison. Randolph would set the stakes, then Luis would sink them with the sledgehammer while the other roustabouts set up the bale rigs and blocks-and-tackle. The scent of hot stew from the cookhouse inspired a quicker pace to finish the last few tent stakes.  
 ”She would have sat with us if you weren’t such a meanie.” Randolph pouted, looking over at the long blonde hair of a girl sitting next to a heavily tattooed man.  
 Luis gritted his teeth with a sneering smile. “Yeah? It’s not me , ya know. She’s just not sweet on lil’ shrivels,” Luis goaded with a vicious sarcastic tone.  

“She would like me if’n we weren’t stuck together. She likes ’em big and strong.” He flexed his muscled left arm with arrogant pride. ”You’re always sayin things like that. She likes me just fine, all right. Not you, ’cause your such a meanie. She don’t care if we’re together. You just got to be nicer when I talk to her. But you’re not nice to anyone, no how. Not even me!”  
 Luis laughed at that. “Yeah? Especially you!” He chided and poked Randolph in the side with his right hand.   

Randolph flinched at the poking, his overalls worn thin at the spot where Luis habitually poked at him. Randolph tried to brush his brother’s hand away. But he always managed to get a few good pokes in before Randolph could successfully block him. Luis’s half-formed right arm and Randolph’s equally diminished left constantly battled between their bodies. Their little arms warred against each other in seemingly endless battles, tug-of-war’s, and poking. Randolph was used to the poking, fidgeting and pulling, but knew when Luis was “being a meanie,” it would go on all night.  
 In almost mechanical precision, their unified movements were smooth and effortless. Their conjoined heads leaned over two stew bowls, sitting side by side as opposing hands spooned up hot stew in unconscious cooperation.   

Randolph soaked up the last of his stew with a biscuit. Stuffed his mouth and stared long, wistful eyes at the slender blonde trapeze artist. He watched as she ate her dinner, laughing and talking between delicate bites of her stew and biscuits.    

Luis pulled his head hard to the side, almost lifting Randolph off his seat.  Luis Enjoyed pulling his smaller, weaker brother around with his head. It gave him a cruel pleasure that amounted to, ”Even though we are attached, I am always in control.”  
  They stood up, grabbing their stew bowls, then walked to the wash basin. Almost a full stride quicker, Luis forced Randolph to make short quick steps to get back into unison. “I gotta take a piss. Let’s go,” Luis ordered, grabbing his crotch to make his point clear that it was an emergency. He pulled Randolph along, beyond the lights and tents of the circus, to the shadows where he could get some privacy to do his business.  
 They headed back toward the lights and sounds of the circus around the back end of the bunkhouse. Luis saw her first, his side of their heads coming into view before Randolph. The blonde girl was leaning against the door to her bunkhouse, talking quietly to another boy, flashing a smile, and twisting her hair.  
 ”Hey, would ya look at that?” Luis pointed to the couple. Randolph’s heart sank at the sight of her and the other boy. “Looks like ya missed out already there, Shrivel.” He laughed and poked Randolph in the side again.   

The boy took a few steps back from her, then turned away, looking reluctant to leave. She watched him go with a small smile and radiant eyes.   

Luis started walking in her direction, pulling Randolph along. ”Let’s go talk to her,” Luis said with a mysterious tone in his voice.   

She heard them and looked over. Her smile changed. It did not go away, only switched to one of greeting.  “Hello, Randolph.”  

Randolph’s heart thumped at her acknowledgment.  

 ”And Luis.” But when she said Luis’s name, it lacked the same warmth.   

Randolph’s nervous fingers fidgeted with his mallet. “Um, uh, Hello Greta,”  
He said, smiling a wide toothy grin.  Luis poked at him again, but this time it seemed encouraging rather than harassing.   

“What ya up to?” Luis spoke up before Randolph could pick up his hint.  

“Oh, I’m just about to turn in for the evening,” she said with a cheery soft voice that made Randolph fidget with his mallet, and then she took a few steps closer. Luis’s left arm snapped out, grabbing Greta’s shoulder. Her eyes went wide with surprise as she twisted her body, trying to escape the iron grip.  

“Now’s your chance, Shrivel!” Luis sneered and began pulling Greta and Randolph toward the shadows behind the bunkhouse.   

Randolph stumbled amidst the tangle of feet. ”Wha..?” was all his meek voice could squeeze out, shocked by Luis’s brashness.   

Greta twisted and clawed at Luis’s hand. ”Let me go!” she shouted, then flashed a pleading look into Randolph’s eyes.   

Luis just gripped harder and continued to pull the two of them farther into the shadows.   

Randolph’s shock faded. He dug his feet firm to the ground and then reached out to Greta to pull her free from his brother’s grasp.  

Luis only smiled and pulled her closer to him. “That’s the spirit, Shrivel! I’ll let you go first since you’re so sweet on her.”   

At that, she wrenched with a quick turn, wriggling free, ripping her blouse in the process. Leaving Luis with a handful of fabric, she ran, looking back with a sad, hurt look that Randolph knew was the end of his friendship with her.  

Continue to part 3

Author · Emergence Collective · writing

Emergence Collective…read between the lines (Spoiler alert!)

Emergence Collective… What does it mean to me? If you have read it or you like spoilers keep reading!

As a new writer I found (am still finding) it difficult to convince anyone
to read my stuff and find an Audience. Friends and family mean well, but I
think that my investment in the story and their interest didn’t align. As I
wrote Emergence collective I did not get any real feedback or even
proofreading. To be honest, my editor was the first person to actually read the
damn thing. She did a fantastic job thank you PaulineNolet.com. Her feedback was
reassuring that I didn’t spend all that time writing it, wasted. the idea for
the story was kinda big and I thought deeply about the world I was creating. A
lot of these concepts did not really make it into the story but there are
connections I can make in conversation that would completely make sense and you
would definitely find connections to the story.

What would happen if you could dream up just about anything and it could be
real? what would you do with that power? I wondered that if there are lots of
people that had this ability how would the world change? My first thought was
that people would make their surroundings “customized”. One person
might make a fairyland castle environment and another would pattern theirs with
say Starwars. But how far does your own realm extend to? How strong is your
willpower? your willpower and intention govern the sphere of influence you have
in reality itself. How about what happens when another ascended person enters your
realm? Does there will power change your realm? since they are in your sphere
of influence? What about mutual agreements on world views? do they see a
StarWars environment and you see the fairyland? could there be a merger of the
two? How does this relate to collective consciousness? The reality as a whole
is an agreement of expectations that we all have. Gravity works because there
are enough consciousnesses agreeing on that, it becomes part of the collective
worldview, How does being ascended influence that?

I made sets of rules about this idea and used it as a roadmap for the story
progression as far as the shared environment of the characters.

I use transcended and ascended interchangeably, even though they are not
precisely synonymous. I think it still fits. I still think a lot about the
nature of consciousness. What is it? Where does it come from? One of my
favorite theories is that the human body is like a marionette where our
consciousness pulls the strings outside the body. You cut the strings,
 and the body dies or is in stasis like a coma.

 But where is the puppeteer? In a higher realm, a higher resonant
frequency outside of conscious reality. And our brains act like a filter
preventing us from experiencing that higher realm. It is only when we alter our
state of mind that the filter is removed, and we can experience the true
reality as its resonant frequencies are revealed. Whether it is through strict
meditation or mind-altering chemicals like Ayahuasca, a potent hallucinogen
that contains a chemical called DMT or dimethyltryptamine. Whatever the
catalyst is that allows us to escape the prison of our brain doesn’t matter
once free, and one is perceiving a higher reality, the awareness of the nature
of the universe expands. We start to fully understand our place in it. Learn
that we have abilities that were previously only imagination. Learn to connect
with others on a deeper spiritual level, communicate and express ideas. Travel
throughout the realm and defy the physics of the reality our bodies are trapped
in.

I know this sounds like the ravings of a metaphysical stoner. I think I
communicated the essence of these ideas in the story well enough. But wait!
There’s more; however, I will not bore you any longer. I do explore these
concepts much more deeply in the next book. I think that once you get your feet
wet in the first book, the second will be more satisfying as you explore your
own thoughts on the potential of what could be done if all of this was real. I
would love to hear your thoughts on this!

about me · Author · writing

Write what you know….

They say “write what you know.” Whoever they are, I get what they mean, but there is so much that I don’t know. I am just winging it. One of my challenges in writing is trying to pretend that I have had the normal everyday experiences that my audience had. I spent the majority of my formative years living in rural Alaska, isolated from the social experiences that “City kids” usually get. My school was somewhat small, comparatively and after school social engagements were difficult to do, due to geography. People tended to live pretty far away and there is no transit system in the bush. Moving to “the lower 48’s” was a culture shock and since I had gotten used to isolation, it pretty much cemented my brain in a state of permanent introversion. High did not spend much time attending high school, and when I did my scope of friends was very small, so I missed out (Thank god) on the usual high school drama and typical situations that most people did. I dropped out and began entering the workforce early. No High school diploma so no college.

How do I write about the high school and college experiences that I have never shared? Most of my “research” has been watching TV about it, but I am not entirely convinced that those are typical or genuine. “write what you know.”…. Hmm.. I guess I will continue to fake it, and hope no one notices. Honestly there are a lot of situations like this, mostly social, that I am guessing about. Maybe, that I don’t have some of those experiences, that my pretending can actually end up being a fresh take on it, and maybe those situation are more likely to be more genuine than the entertainment industry tropes.